Sunday, June 21, 2009

Day 14: A Bowl of Freshly Cut Toe Nails—M.V.

Talk Show Host: This week on “Shoe Living” we’ll go inside the shoe household and see just what all goes into bath night when there are so many children that you don’t know what to do. How does the Old Woman do it? You’ll find out, so stay tuned!

(insert dramatic TV talk show music here)

Old Woman: Thankfully I jus’ give the kids a bath once a month. Gotta set aside a whole day, I mean, how else can I do it? There’s so many of the little buggers runnin’ ‘round. Ain’t no way I can keep a runnin’ tab a who had a bath what day ‘er nothin’.

Talk Show Host: So basically what you do is line them all up and give them a bath one after the other?

Old Woman: Sorta. We got color teams here in the shoe. Them kids are divided up, kin’a like colors ‘a the rainbow. Let’s see we gots the Purple Kids, the uh Blue Kids, we got the Green Kids, let’s see uh the Yeller Kids, the Or’nge Kids, and the uh, who’m I missin’…oh yeah, an’ the Red ones.

Talk Show Host: So they’re in order of color? And they just know when to come?

Old Woman: Yup! In that there order that I just spouted off to ya. Then that last ‘un calls the first ‘a the next, an’ so on til they all come out shinin’ like spit on a hog…but a might bit better smellin’ mind ya.

Talk Show Host: That doesn’t sound too hard, guess you just had to get the system down, huh?

Old Woman: That’s jus’ the bathin’ part though. There’s more that goes into bath day then jus’ the bathin’!

Talk Show Host: Like what?

Old Woman: Like the cleanin’ up and the getting’ rid ‘a all that nasty water and trimmin’ the toe nails and such!

Talk Show Host: Well then tell us a little bit about those things? And is all that stuff just as hard as the actual bath time?

Old Woman: Awww, Lawd! I think all that’s a bit worse! Oh but we did get that there contraption from those Sears folk (‘cause we came on this show). It does ‘at fancy thang where it takes our nasty water and turns it back inta drinkin’ water. That’s real nice. It’s jus’ the getting’ it to the crazy thang that’s a pain. Baths ‘er at the toe ‘a the house, that thang’s at the heel. I can’t be spendin’ all my time cartin’ that stuff from one end ‘a the place ta the other! Say, ya don’t think “Extreme Make Over: Sole Edition” would come ta my place an’ do it up right nice, do ya?

Talk Show Host: So…(cough, cough)…tell us about trimming the kids toe nails.

Old Woman: Well, first off that’s done right after bathin’. Gets the toe nail all soft like, ya know. Makes it easier an’ faster ta trim. Now my older ‘uns, piece ‘a cake! Don’t take me no time with them ‘cause they sit real still. The younger uns’, well that’s somethin’ different. They bring their toys with ‘em but some times it take more then that. That’s why I’d also like ta thank Sears fer the tazer they gave me fer bein’ on this show. It works real well with the li’l ‘uns. I can just snip an’ clip an’ put ‘em on inta bed.

Talk Show Host: So basically you’re saying that life was a lot harder before our kind friends at Sears helped you out?

Old Woman: Guess I am! But there’s still that problem I got ‘a disposin’ ‘a all them toe nail clippins. We done had our time ‘o glory by getting’ put in the Guinness Book ‘a Records. They told us we had the biggest bowl ‘a freshly cut toe nails they’d ever seen. But now I don’t know what ta do with ‘em no more. I been thinkin’ about donatin’ ‘em ta the Elmer’s glue plant down the street, but…

Talk Show Host: And that’s all the time we have for today, ladies and gentlemen! Next week tune in to hear how the Old Woman avoids the hassles of the city sewage system. Until next time, “sole long” from “Shoe Living”!

(insert dramatic out-take music here, followed by this week’s jingle)

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.
She gave them a bath and she scrubbed them just so
Then she clipped and then snipped each nail of each toe.

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